A New Definition

Processed with VSCO with f2 presetBy Leah Wright
 
Insecure, unsure, and unworthy. 

These are three words I have often used to describe myself. Throughout my childhood and especially during my adolescence, I was always worried about what other people thought of me and I never felt like I was doing life “right”. As I went throughout middle school and gradually learned many things about faith and God, I easily felt I had to measure up and earn God’s love by doing everything perfectly. I naturally fell into a routine of going to church and youth group every Sunday and Wednesday, and I tried to be a “good person” to those around me. It was very easy for me to feel that God loved me because of the way I tried to live my life, but I always felt like it wasn’t enough. Despite this thought throughout my life, I received glimpses of God’s pure grace and unconditional love many times during my high school years that combatted this idea. However, it wasn’t until college that I truly began to grasp God’s reckless love and grace and find my identity in Him. 

One major role I became insecure in was my role as an RA during my sophomore year. I tried to live out my passion for empowering, loving, and walking alongside others through this role, but I continued to feel unsure of myself and unworthy of the call God had placed on my life. I felt overwhelmed by the task of measuring up and being enough for all those around me and good enough for God to accept and love. However, God continually sang the truth of His unfailing love for me through countless conversations with family and friends, time in God’s Word, and several books. As I engaged in conversations and read books like Mere Christianity, Nothing to Prove, and the Prodigal God, I began to learn the truth of the gospel: that I am not enough, and I don’t need to keep trying to prove to others, and God, that I am worthy of love by trying to earn acceptance. The truth is that God’s abounding grace, not what I do, proves His unending love for me. He loves me despite what I do, not because of it. As I navigated my year as an RA and wrestled with the feelings of inadequacy, God continued to sing this truth over me. Though there were still many struggles with insecurity, the truth slowly sank in as I listened to it more. 

There are still many times that I question my abilities, and when I’m doing well I rely way too much on my abilities. In those times, I need to remember that my worth is found in the God who pursued me and found me before I even knew I was lost. Though it is a continual battle to believe the truth, I can rest in the fact that it never changes. Because of this, I can now describe myself as secure in Christ, certain of the hope found in God, and worthy. 

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